Inui's Love Juice of Ultimate Doom
by Cheeseburger of Doom
Summary: Feel like something silly? Have I got a story for you! Five of the Seigaku regulars have to drink the newest Inui Juice -- with unexpected results.
1. Episode 1

A/N: This has probably been done before -- Naturally since Inui creates many different types of juice, a love potion would show up somewhere, right? Even though the love potion portion has probably been done before, I decided to go for an interesting (or maybe just WRONG) twist -- I hope you like it. It's incredibly silly, but you may well find it amusing. There is intended OOC for the sake of a good laugh...(Are you curious yet?) I hope this doesn't put you off any of my other stories...not everything I write is as ridiculous as this...thing.

I don't own Prince of Tennis -- because if I did the Golden Pair would be my age...

Inui's Love Juice of Ultimate Doom

Episode 1/3 : The Beginning of the End

It was a typical day for the Seishun Gakuen tennis club. Inui had prepared a practice schedule, and while it was being carried out, he sat and watched, petting his newest culinary venture, waiting to use it on his colleagues.

The Seigaku regulars were facing each other as follows: Fuji vs. Kawamura, Tezuka vs. Echizen, Kaido vs. Momoshiro, and Eiji vs. Oishi. Inui wondered who the first victim of his newest "vegetable" juice would be.

The first game ended -- the victor was Fuji. Kawamura, still in his crazy tennis mode, was cursing in English and stomping around maniacally. Inui came up from behind and tapped him on the shoulder.

"The loser drinks Inui's Deluxe Edition Limited Time Only Happy Juice," Inui said. "Please, enjoy."

"Ah! Disgusting!" Kawamura bellowed. He took the glass that Inui was holding, and downed it as fast as humanly possible. He then turned a strange shade of purple, and tears ran down his cheeks. 

Inui's attention turned to the end of the second match. Momoshiro had lost his match to Kaido, after much insulting and frustration on both parts. Momoshiro paled as the Happy Juice was offered to him, and became even paler after swallowing it.

"Agh, help me," he cried, pathetically, as he gasped for air.

Oishi was distracted by the whimpers of pain that were being emitted by his team-mates, and lost his match to Eiji. He gulped as Inui came his way, with a glass of the Deluxe Edition Limited Time Only Happy Juice in his hand. Oishi closed his eyes as the awful juice made its way into his stomach, and threatened to come back up again.

"Why..." he groaned. "Itai..."

The victor of the last match was Tezuka. Inui felt a grin coming on as he handed the Happy Juice to Echizen, and Echizen choked it down. Echizen made a funny face, and a few squeaking noises emerged from his throat.

Inui surveyed the four who had drunk the juice carefully, pen in hand, waiting to collect data on the after-effects. He noted that Tezuka had accidentally picked up one of the glasses of the Happy Juice, instead of the more taste bud friendly water that was beside it. Inui decided not to mention it to him, so that he could check the juice's effect on Tezuka, who rarely had to drink the stuff.

Suddenly, five screams sounded simultaneously. Echizen's indignant yelp, Momo's girlish wail, Kawamura's bellow of anguish, Oishi's gasp of pain, and Tezuka's monotone grunt. The five who had partaken of the Deluxe Edition Limited Time Only Happy Juice all collapsed to the ground, out cold.

"Interesting," Inui murmured.

"Interesting? Inui, You've killed them all!" Eiji exclaimed, waving his arms about like a madman.

"I think you will find all of them breathing regularly," Inui said. "Although there is a slight two percent chance of some side effects."

"Oh? That sounds fun," Fuji said. A slightly evil tinge could be noted in his usual grin.

"Inui! Why is everyone unconscious?" Ryuzaki-sensei demanded, having just returned to the practice area, from wherever she had disappeared to.

"It seems that my Deluxe Edition Limited Time Only Happy Juice did not agree with them," Inui replied, calmly, as usual.

"Mataku!" Ryuzaki-sensei sighed. "Okay everyone, break it up! Stop standing around the casualties and get back to work!" The worried audience that had gathered around the fallen regulars scattered.

"Inui, what is _in _that juice?" Ryuzaki-sensei asked. She had picked up a glass and smelled it, only to realize that was a big mistake, as the juice smelled like something dead and rotting.

"This and that," Inui replied. "They will be fine. Eventually."

Ryuzaki-sensei shook her head, and was about to arrange for some medical attention for the boys, when they began to stir.

Inui waited with pen ready.

~~~~~

Oishi opened his eyes, and tried to sit up, but the world was spinning for some reason.

"Oishi! Daijoubu ka, Oishi?"

That voice was familiar, but Oishi was not concerned with it. His attention was riveted by a vision of beauty he saw before him. He had never noticed before how truly attractive Kaido really was.

Kaido looked around him, saw that no one was there, and realized that Oishi was staring at _him_. "Nani?" he asked, nervously.

"Ah! Oh, Gomen!" Oishi said, blushing, and turning away.

Kaido blinked a few times, then backed away slowly. 

"Mou! Oishi, stop ignoring me!" a frustrated Eiji exclaimed. "I asked if you were okay!"

"I'm fine, Eiji," Oishi murmured. He really wanted the annoying redhead to go away, so he could be left alone with Kaido. He had suddenly discovered he had feelings for the boy he'd never noticed before, and he wanted to share them!

"I need to talk to Kaido," he said, and he went after the retreating snake. Eiji stared at him with confused eyes. 

Kaido??!!

Inui was intrigued by Oishi's behaviour. The side effects were beginning to appear.

~~~~~

Kawamura awoke, full of energy and determination.

"Come on, baby!" he exclaimed to the world.

The audience that had scattered, but had not stopped watching, was staring at him. What was wrong with Kawamura? The tennis racket was no longer in his hand, but he was still insane.

Kawamura began to laugh psychotically, and he ran from the practice area.

"Oi, Kawamura!" Ryuzaki-sensei called after him, but it was too late. He was already gone. "What's gotten into him?"

"Side effects," Inui muttered, collecting his precious data.

~~~~~

Echizen and Momoshiro awoke at the exact same moment, faced each other, and simultaneously snarled "He belongs to _me!_"

"I saw him first, Echizen!"

"I'm cuter than you are, Momo-sempai!"

The two argued loudly for a few minutes, then they turned to Inui, in perfect synchronicity, and said together, "Which one of us do you like better, Inui-sempai?"

Inui sweatdropped, ignored the question, and scribbled something into his notebook.

"Side effects...very bad side effects..."

~~~~~

Tezuka, surprisingly enough, was the last to awaken. Fuji was leaning over him, smiling, as usual.

"Finally wake, Tezuka?" he asked.

"Fuji?" Tezuka's eyes grew uncharacteristically wide,, then, to everyone's complete and utter shock, he threw his arms around Fuji, and began to cry like a baby.

"Fuji! You saved me!"

"Eh?" Fuji's eyebrow's knitted together, and his smile was a little thin. "Saved you from what?"

"Loneliness! I love you, Fuji-chan!"

Inui pushed his glasses up, and tried to write this new bit of information down, but had trouble finding the right words to describe this phenomenon.

"Inui-sempai is _mine_!"

"No, he's _mine_!"

"Anou, Kaido...I want to talk to you about something...heh..."

"Oishi? What are you doing, nya?"

"Fuji-chan! You're the bestest!"

"It looks like the juice needs a little work," Inui said.

~~~~~

TBC 


	2. Episode 2

A/N: Wow, this story seems to be more popular than I thought it would...lol...I hope everyone enjoys the mess I have created for our favorite boys! This is my favorite chapter -- all because of Tezuka. (hehe)

Episode 2/3: A Sticky Situation

Heads turned as Kawamura Takashi strutted down the hallway, wearing a pair of sunglasses, with his jacket unbuttoned, and nodding casually at anyone who passed by. Girls began trailing after him, impressed by his cool attitude.

"There's enough Taka-chan to go around! Come on, ladies!" he exclaimed. His crowd of fans, which was increasing in size with every second, squealed.

"What is _that_?" Eiji asked Fuji, pointing at Kawamura and his entourage. The two of them were waiting outside their classroom.

"I don't really know," Fuji said, smile still in place. "I was more curious about _that._" Echizen and Momoshiro passed by, yelling at each other.

"Inui-sempai is too good for you!" Echizen exclaimed.

"I love Inui-sempai more than you do!" Momoshiro retorted.

"I'm more aware of his needs!" Echizen cried.

"I'm more mature than you!" Momoshiro exclaimed.

"Inui-sempai belongs to _me_!" both yelled, and then they disappeared around a corner.

Eiji shuddered. "Why are they fighting over Inui? Everyone is acting weird lately, unyaa!" He tore at his hair. "Oishi has been following Kaido around like a little lost puppy!"

"Are you jealous, Eiji?" Fuji asked, knowingly.

"No!" Eiji blushed slightly. "I'm just worried that something is wrong with him."

"Hn."

"Fuji-chaaaaan!"

Fuji's eyes opened wide with shock as something very strange came his way. Tezuka, clad in a purple sundress, with purple butterfly clips in his hair, came skipping up to Fuji, giggling.

"This is unacceptable," Fuji said. Eiji could see the fire behind his eyes, and shivered in fear. When Fuji got mad, it was really scary!

"I'm going to have a little talk with Inui about this," Fuji said. He was a big fan of Inui's vegetable juice, and an even bigger fan of the misery it usually heeded, but he would not stand idly by while Tezuka, their level-headed and wise buchou, made a fool of himself like this. Even if the dress was cute.

"Come, Tezuka-chan," Fuji said, smile restored, taking Tezuka's hand. "Let's get you back into your school uniform, dear."

"But I want to wear _this_!"

"I know you do, but it's not allowed."

Eiji watched as the weird scene walked away. He saw Kaido run by at full speed.

"Kaido! Wait for me!" Oishi cried, running after him, waving a piece of paper in the air. "I want to read you my poem!"

Kaido hissed, and ran faster.

This was all because of Inui's Deluxe Edition whatever Juice, right? Oishi didn't really want to date Kaido...right?

Right?

"This better be the Juice's fault!" Eiji called after Oishi, even though Oishi probably couldn't hear him anyway.

"Mou. What a mess," he grumbled.

~~~~~

The remaining normal regular members of the tennis club were having a meeting.

"It looks like I have created a combined personality-altering and love potion," Inui said, calmly, as usual, although a slight sweatdrop could be noted behind his head.

"Inui!" Eiji exclaimed. "This is a mess! What are we going to do? People are starting to ask questions!"

In fact, everyone at Seishun Gakuen was wondering what the heck was going on with the Seigaku regulars. Kawamura, who was usually shy and understated, was being followed by a huge group of females, and acting like he owned the school. Tezuka, the usually calm, collected, monotone buchou, could often be seen in little girl dresses, crying for his Fuji-chan. Oishi, normally the mother hen of the tennis club, had taken to writing sappy poetry which he recited to Kaido whenever he got the chance. Momoshiro and Echizen, who were normally good friends, could often be seen fighting over their beloved Inui-sempai. Eiji was extremely worried about Oishi and could often be seen yelling at his doubles partner quite angrily (due to worry, not jealousy, of course), Kaido was usually running away in terror from the sappy Oishi, Inui was often caught between the battling of his two suitors, and Fuji spent most of his time taking care of Tezuka, who had somehow become his daughter.

"Make a remedy. Now," Fuji said, smile gone. He had become fed up with taking care of the childish Tezuka. He wanted his Tezuka back, the one who grunted in response to most questions, not the one who giggled and called him "Fuji-chan". (Although the nickname was rather endearing, it was just too weird coming from Tezuka's lips.)

Inui pushed his glasses up and cleared his throat. "I have been working on a remedy," he said. In fact, he'd been working very, very hard, on a remedy. He was getting a little annoyed at being constantly in the middle of Momoshiro and Echizen's fighting. It was interesting to have Momoshiro serenading him underneath his bedroom window, clad in Robin Hood-like tights and a cap with a feather in it, playing a banjo, and equally as interesting to have Echizen show up at his door clad in leather, holding a whip, saying, "Can I come inside, Inui-sempai?". However, Momoshiro could not sing, and Echizen was twelve years old. Not good. Not good at all.

"Try harder," Fuji said, smiling in a very evil way.

"Fuji-chan! Where have you been! I missed you!" Tezuka flung himself at Fuji, knocking him over.

"Try _much_ harder," Fuji said.

~~~~~

TBC


	3. Episode 3

A/N: Wow...so many reviews...I love you people! You all share my twisted sense of humor! This was originally going to be the last chapter, but thanks to the Magician of Black Chaos, I decided to continue with two more chapters after this one -- hopefully it won't be too long and drawn out -- hopefully all of you will enjoy more of the boys being terribly OOC!

Ah-- I never thank everyone for their reviews individually because I'm lazy -_-;; But I love each and every review equally, and I cherish them with all my heart. =D

Episode 3/3: Back to Normal (We Hope)

Inui coughed as a huge cloud of smoke billowed up from the concoction he was working on.

"It is complete," he said. His glasses sparkled, and he began to laugh in a very scary and yet Inui-like manner. His parents wondered just what he was up to, but then decided they didn't really want to know, since their son was definitely a strange one.

"Inui's Super-Effective Ultra-Tasty Change-Back Juice is complete!"

~~~~~~

"Kaido...Kaido, why are you running away from me?" Oishi wailed pathetically. "Please, come listen to my new poem! A sunny day in July...Can make a grown man cry...I don't know why...But if you don't listen to me I'll die..."

Kaido hissed, and covered his ears, to block out the traumatizing words. Eiji watched on in horror as Oishi continued to proclaim his love for Kaido in such a stupid way.

Momoshiro and Echizen were in the middle of a catfight, complete with biting, scratching, slapping, punching, kicking, hair-pulling, cursing, and tickling. A fight that had stemmed from Momoshiro's comment that he was a lot sexier than Echizen and would look a lot better in the leather that Echizen had taken to wearing for some reason. Echizen had been highly insulted and had retorted that Momoshiro's tights were baggy and he didn't even know how to play his banjo, which was the wrong instrument for his costume, anyway. A crowd had gathered around to watch the tights-wearing Momoshiro and the leather-clad Echizen have it out. It was a truly interesting sight.

Kawamura sat on a bench, arms folded across his chest, sunglasses in place, wearing a very smug grin. A group of girls were behind the fence, squealing and proclaiming their love for him.

"That's right, ladies. Love me!" he exclaimed. "Excellent! Beautiful! Wonderful!"

Tezuka was playing hopscotch and twirling his hair, which still contained the butterfly clips. Fuji had managed to stop him from wearing anymore little girl dresses, though. He was giggling happily, and Fuji was encouraging him, like any good mother would, even though inside, he was crying for his long-lost Tezuka.

Ryuzaki-sensei surveyed the very strange scene before her, and wondered just when everyone would get back to normal so they could continue their practices.

Suddenly, there was a loud bang. The gate slammed behind Inui, and he looked more evil than he had ever looked before. Heads turned as he walked by, clutching a pitcher of something that looked and smelled a lot like raw sewage. Everyone he passed gulped in terror, wondering just who was going to be unlucky enough to have to drink that STUFF.

Inui stopped in front of Echizen and Momoshiro, who were still fighting. The fight stopped once he arrived, and they both threw themselves at him.

"Inui-sempai!" they squealed.

"Yes," Inui said, blushing a little. "Drink this." He poured them each a cup, and they stared into it, with a disgusted look on their faces.

"I'm not drinking this!" Momoshiro exclaimed.

"Do it for me," Inui said. "For my sake."

Momoshiro's eyes went all big and oogily, and he downed the Super-Effective Ultra-Tasty Change-Back Juice. Echizen, not wanting to be outdone by his rival, drank his, as well. They both stopped moving, and stared into space with vacant looks on their faces.

Inui moved to Kawamura. "Here you are, Taka-san. This will make you more popular with your ladies. Please, drink up."

"Okay, great! Excellent! Love me!" he exclaimed, and chugged his glass of juice with enthusiasm. And then...he, too, stopped moving, and acquired a very vacant look.

Next on Inui's list was Oishi, who was still reciting poetry to Kaido, who was close to tears and trying to hide under a bench.

"If you drink this, Kaido will go on a date with you," Inui said.

"Oi!" Kaido exclaimed from his place under the bench.

"Trust me," Inui whispered. Kaido gulped. He didn't want to go on a date with Oishi. Especially since Oishi was such a bad poet, and Eiji was giving him looks of death.

Oishi happily drank his glass of juice, then collapsed to his knees, and the same vacant look appeared on his face.

The last person Inui approached was the girlish Tezuka.

"Here you are," he said, handing Tezuka a glass of juice.

"I don't want to drink this yucky stuff!" Tezuka exclaimed, wrinkling his nose.

"Come on now, Tezuka-chan. It's good for you. Drink it for your Fuji-chan," Fuji said encouragingly. Tezuka grinned at him happily, then drank his juice. 

The five who had partaken of Inui's Super-Effective Ultra-Tasty Change-Back Juice, all screamed in unison. Echizen and Momoshiro's joint yelp, Kawamura's cry of "Save me and love me, ladies!", Tezuka's high-pitched whine, and Oishi's attempt at a rhyming wail. Then all five of them collapsed to the ground, out cold.

"Inui! They're really dead this time!" Eiji cried, waving his arms around like a madman.

"The Super-Effective Ultra-Tasty Change-Back Juice is not toxic," Inui replied, calmly, as usual. "They will all recover soon."

"Inui! Everyone is unconscious again!" Ryuzaki-sensei exclaimed.

"Hai." Inui turned to a new page in his notebook, and waited for everyone to awaken.

~~~~~

Oishi sat up and rubbed his head. The world was spinning, for some reason.

"Oishi! Daijoubu ka, Oishi?"

Oishi blinked at Eiji. "I'm fine, but why was I unconscious?"

"You don't remember?"

"I remember losing the game to you, and drinking the juice...is that why I passed out?" Oishi asked.

Eiji leaned in close enough that their noses were touching. "Ne, Oishi, how do you feel about poetry?"

"I'm not very good at it, so I don't write it."

"What about Kaido?"

"Eh? What about him?" Oishi asked, confused. Eiji was acting very weird.

Eiji threw his arms around his doubles partner and laughed with relief. "Good to have you back, Oishi! Nya!!"

Oishi was still very confused, but he enjoyed being hugged, so he decided not to question.

Meanwhile, Kaido breathed a sigh of relief and came out from under the bench.

Inui nodded in satisfaction, and scribbled furiously into his notebook.

~~~~~

Kawamura had a huge headache. He sat up from his position on the ground. He must have fallen asleep on the bench, and then rolled over onto the ground.

"Taka-chan!"

Kawamura looked on in horror at the crowd of girls who were squealing at him. "Anou...what are you doing here?" He reached up and pulled off his sunglasses. "Why am I wearing these things?"

The girls were immediately silent and exchanged looks amongst themselves. Their Taka-chan had reverted back into the mild-mannered Kawamura. They muttered a few words in disappointment, then decided to go find someone else to worship.

Kawamura was glad they were gone, because they had been making him feel uncomfortable.

All the while, Inui was recording this into his notebook.

~~~~~

Momoshiro and Echizen sat up at the exact same time and looked at each other.

"Why was I sleeping?" Momoshiro asked.

Echizen shrugged. 

Momoshiro looked down. "Why am I wearing this outfit?"

Echizen shrugged.

"Echizen. You're in leather."

Echizen looked down at himself, and his eyes widened in horror. The two of them realized they had a crowd of people surrounding them. Echizen and Momoshiro exchanged a few terrified looks, then they ran off to change out of the embarrassing outfits that they had no memory of putting on.

And Inui felt a strong sense of relief as he collected this particular data.

~~~~~

Tezuka rubbed his temples as he opened his eyes, wondering just why he was passed out on the ground. He remembered grabbing a glass of water and -- It wasn't water. He'd been a victim of Inui's latest mess.

His head itched. He reached up, and found...purple butterfly clips?

He gave Fuji, who was standing near him, a questioning look, holding out a handful of butterfly clips.

Fuji's smile had never been as wide as it was at that moment. "Tezuka." He took the butterfly clips from the buchou's hand, and threw them away.

"Everyone, five hundred laps. Now," Tezuka commanded.

"Inui's Super-Effective Ultra-Tasty Change-Back Juice, one hundred percent effective," Inui said, grinning.

~~~~~

...At least, he assumed it was one hundred percent effective.

The following day at school, he was proven wrong. He noticed that something was a little off when Momoshiro ran wailing through the hallway, and flung himself at Inui. Inui was a little worried that Momoshiro was going to start hitting on him again, but instead, Momoshiro began to sob.

"No one loves me!" he cried. "I'm all alone! All alone!"

Inui started to think that maybe his Change-Back Juice had failed after all. He was completely convinced of this when he saw Kawamura.

TBC


	4. Episode 4

A/N: Yoho! Bwahahahah...I'm having so much fun with this fic...I think I'm deranged...I hope you all enjoy it! Ah, the things that are in my mind...The next chapter is the last (and for you Tezuka fans out there, be sure to read the last chapter, wink wink)

Episode 4 1/2: Tights and Leather Strike Again!

Inui tried to pry the sobbing Momoshiro off of him, so that his hands would be free to collect information on the newest development -- aka Kawamura, who was coming his way.

Kawamura was dressed as Superman, tights and all, with a giant "T" on his chest instead of an "S". He was zipping through the hallways, pretending he was flying.

"SuperTaka is here!" he cried. "Excellent!" He halted in front of Inui. "Where is the one that I will someday give up my immortality to love? Tell me, DataBoy!"

Inui's pen ran out of ink. He searched his pockets for a new one.

Momoshiro sniffled. "No one loves me. Do you love me, Kawamura-sempai?"

"The name is SuperTaka, and no, I do not. The one I love is fair, and beautiful. Wonderful!"

Momoshiro ran off, sobbing again. "Rejection! Horrible rejection!"

Inui, who had found a new pen, scribbled more data into his notebook. He was developing a headache.

"There is the One!" SuperTaka cried.

Inui looked to his right and saw Fuji arriving. Fuji saw Kawamura's state of dress, and stopped where he was.

"Taka-san...?"

"My love!" SuperTaka cried. He ran to Fuji, scooped him off, and carried him off somewhere, yelling various words like "Lovely!" and "Beautiful!"

"Your remedy seems to have failed!" Fuji called out, as he was carried away. He was still smiling as usual, but he sounded slightly annoyed. "Try again, Inui!"

Inui's headache increased slightly as he wondered what was going on with the remaining three who had received his remedy the previous day.

~~~~~

"Oishi! Oishi, where are you going?" Eiji asked. "We were going to have lunch together today! Remember?"

"Shut up, dork," Oishi replied. "I'm trying to find my boyfriend, you moron."

Eiji felt his heart shatter. 1.) Oishi had just insulted him -- Oishi, who never insulted anyone, and 2.) Oishi had a boyfriend that he'd never mentioned before.

"Aha!" Oishi exclaimed. "There he is!"

Eiji blinked a few times. "INUI? You chose INUI over me? Unyaaaaaaa!" Eiji felt tears spring to his eyes, and he fled.

"Inui!" Oishi exclaimed. "I'll protect you from all the losers at this school!" He pulled out a pair of sunglasses, and settled them on his face. He looked like a deranged bodyguard. "I will protect you, and you will be mine forever!"

Inui entered the following into his notebook: _This combination of ingredients makes me very popular. Adjust slightly so I can use it to my advantage._

~~~~~

Eiji was depressed. Fuji noticed that the usually bouncy individual was sulking. He asked what was wrong.

"Oishi is dating Inui, nya," Eiji replied, with a sigh.

"Eh?"

"And he was insulting me this morning."

"Ah. Inui's remedy seems to have been ineffective," Fuji said. "The people who drank it aren't back to their old selves yet. Taka-san was Superman this morning."

"Are?" Eiji sighed in relief. "So if it's the Juice, then it's reversible -- ne?"

"Saa," Fuji replied. Eiji sweatdropped.

"Kikumaru-kun," the sensei said, sounding a little bit confused/disturbed, "Someone is at the door for you, demanding to see you immediately."

"Nya?" Eiji went to the door, and found a tuxedo-clad Echizen, holding an armful of red roses.

"Ochibi?"

Echizen thrust the flowers into Eiji's arms. "Kikumaru-sempai!" He got down on his knees, and clasped his hands together as if he was about to beg. Which he was. "I love you, Kikumaru-sempai! Run away with me!"

"UNYAA!" Eiji shrieked. He dropped the roses, and ran out of the classroom, with Echizen chasing after him.

In the classroom, Fuji chuckled softly. This was rather fun...so far...His eyes opened wide when he wondered what had happened to Tezuka this time.

~~~~

"Tezuka-buchou is late," was the general whisper among the Seigaku tennis club.

Oishi was standing in front of Inui, with his arms crossed, wearing his sunglasses. Anytime anyone got within two feet of Inui, he called them various stupid names and chased them away.

Echizen, still in his tux, was hovering over Eiji, offering him chocolates and candy, and begging Eiji to run away with him. Eiji was ignoring him, and watching Oishi. He saw Oishi turn to Inui and -- kiss him?

"Nooo!" he cried, and ran away with tears in his eyes, yet again. Echizen ran after him.

"Kikumaru-sempai! Come back! I love you!"

Momoshiro was huddling in a corner, bawling. He'd been rejected by every random person he'd asked to date him. Horio and gang were trying to comfort him, but they had rejected him as well, so they were only making things worse, and Momo started crying even harder.

SuperTaka was showing off his muscles to Fuji, who was trying to look interested, even though he was worrying about Tezuka.

Suddenly, a gasp went through everyone at the tennis club, even the deranged members.

Tezuka had arrived.

TBC


	5. Episode 5

A/N: Wah! I can't believe this fic is over already! Thanks again to everyone who reviewed, and laughed, and thought I was a silly, silly girl. (Apparently I'm demented...but I knew that already...) I don't want it to be over yet, but I don't want to drag it on endlessly and make everyone lose interest. I enjoy this last chapter...and I hope you will, too.

Episode 22 3/4: DataBoy Saves the Day!

Tezuka was clad in leather shorts that were so tight they were almost painted on, a leather vest with no shirt underneath, and leather bitch boots that went up to his knees that were done up with laces and buckles. He held a whip in his hands.

As Inui pushed the very enthusiastic Oishi away from him, mumbling something about how he wasn't ready for this kind of relationship, he wondered a little wistfully why it hadn't been Tezuka in Echizen's place the first time around, since Tezuka fit the outfit much better.

Mouths dropped open and all watched Tezuka as he walked up to Kaido, cracked his whip, and said, in his usual monotone,

"It's time for your punishment, Kaido."

Kaido screamed, and scrambled to hide under a bench -- his new favorite place to be. He cowered under there while Tezuka cracked the whip, and cackled evilly. Tezuka dragged Kaido out from under the bench, and attached a dog collar to around his neck. He hooked a leash onto the collar and looked very pleased with himself. He began tugging Kaido along.

Kaido gave Inui a look that would have frightened even the strongest of men. Then, he unhooked the leash, ripped off the collar, and ran as fast as he could in the other direction, hissing all the way. Tezuka chased after him, whip cracking.

"Tezuka!" Fuji called after him. Now, the sight of Tezuka in leather was quite pleasing to his eyes, but he was very, very upset that Tezuka was chasing Kaido instead of him. He turned to Inui with fire in his eyes. "Inui...remedy," was all he could say while retaining at least some of his normal calm.

"Don't worry about that man!" SuperTaka exclaimed. "You have all the man you need right here! Fantastic!"

Fuji turned back to SuperTaka, and forced a polite smile for him. 

Inui scribbled a few words into his notebook, and realized that the only remaining sane regulars were all angry with him. He pictured Eiji, sulking somewhere, with Echizen hovering over him. (In fact, Eiji had locked himself in a storage closet, in attempt to get away from Echizen, who had produced a cheap ring he'd gotten from a vending machine, and was repeatedly proposing.)

"I only want to be loved, damn it!" Momoshiro screamed. "Is that so much to ask? Won't _anyone_ love me? Please, I beg of you!" Momoshiro flung himself at Ryuzaki-sensei and cried on her shoulder.

Inui decided that he had better try very hard that night to come up with a fully functional remedy, or there was a one hundred percent chance that he was going to be in quite a lot of trouble.

~~~~~

Inui took and ice pick and broke off a chunk of his newest Juice, which was entitled, "Version Two Change-Back Juice of Chaos and Fluffy Bunnies and Etc.", put it in his portable blender, stuck a huge straw in it, and passed the glass to Oishi. 

"Here you go, darling," he said. "To thank you for being such a wonderful bodyguard."

Oishi gulped, and drank the stuff down. He shuddered and twitched, and collapsed to the ground.

"Oishi!" Eiji exclaimed, running to him. Echizen, his new shadow, ran with him. 

"Forget about him, Kikumaru-sempai! I love you more than anyone will ever love you!" Echizen cried. "Think of all the flowers I sent you, the chocolates I bought you, the --"

Inui held out a glass of Version Two Change-Back Juice of Chaos and Fluffy Bunnies and Etc. to Echizen.

"Drink," Inui commanded.

"Yadda," Echizen said, turning up his nose.

"Drink," Eiji commanded.

Echizen drank. Then collapsed beside Oishi.

Inui went to Momoshiro, who was again bawling in the corner, and handed him a glass of the interesting concoction he had created the previous night. It had taken him seven hours to perfect it. There was only a twenty-three percent chance of it failing this time. Momoshiro looked up at Inui and sniffled.

"Do you love me, Inui-sempai?"

"Not really, Momo, but if you drink this, someone might."

The desperate Momoshiro drank down his Version Two Change-Back Juice with enthusiasm, in between hiccups. Then he, too, passed out.

"SuperTaka! Here is some spinach juice. It worked for Popeye," he said. 

"I don't need spinach to boost my power!" SuperTaka bellowed. "I'm on fire!"

Inui sweatdropped. "Indeed."

"I like men who eat spinach," Fuji said.

"Give me the spinach!" SuperTaka exclaimed. He drank the very strange liquid, then of course, he passed out.

The last to receive the hopefully-remedy was Tezuka, who today wore leather pants, no shirt at all, and was holding a riding crop, grinning in a possessed manner at Kaido, who was once more hiding under the bench. He was currently thinking about all the painful things he wanted to do to Inui once this was all over, if it was ever all over, which was beginning to seem doubtful.

"Tezuka..." he said, and he hesitated, unsure of how to make Tezuka drink the juice. He had no desire to actually be "punished" by the leather-clad buchou, no matter how interesting the prospect was in theory.

"It's a love potion," Inui finally said. "If you drink it, Kaido will be yours." 

Most people would fail to see the logic in that statement. Tezuka was currently not himself, however, and he fell for it, downed the juice, and passed out.

Inui (and everyone else) waited for the five fallen to recover. And they all crossed their fingers.

~~~~~

"Ahh...I have a headache," Momoshiro complained, sitting up. He rubbed his eyes. "I feel like I've been crying...have I been crying? Was I asleep?" he asked, confusedly. Horio and gang all cheered for the return of their beloved Momo-chan-sempai.

Echizen sat up and rubbed his head. He was a little disturbed to find himself in a tuxedo. He hated fancy clothes. He hated waking up and finding himself in outfits he would never ever consider wearing. He wondered what the hell was going on. 

Beside Echizen, Oishi sat up, and rubbed _his_ head, and removed his sunglasses.

"Oi~~~shi~" Eiji cried. "Oishi! Are you back to normal yet?"

"Eh?"

"Oishi! Do you want to date Inui?"

"No...no offence, Inui."

Eiji cheered, and pounced on Oishi, knocking him to the ground, then proceeded to kiss him, filled with joy. There were a few "awwws" from the audience that was gathering, and Eiji and Oishi both blushed and put distance between themselves.

Meanwhile, SuperTaka had reverted back into Kawamura, the polite and extremely calm third-year student. Who was very confused at the fact that he was wearing tights.

"Ne, Fuji...why am I wearing this outfit?"

"You don't want to know," Fuji replied, smiling. He turned his attention to Tezuka.

Who was looking very, very pissed off.

"I'm assuming this is your fault, Inui," he said, very quietly, indicating his attire.

"Not directly," Inui said. He felt a wee bit nervous.

Tezuka's expression became even scarier. "I want everyone to run one thousand laps. Now."

No one wanted to argue with Tezuka when he was in such a foul mood. No one every wanted to argue with Tezuka, come to think of it. They all began to run.

Inui finished off a page in his notebook with the following: _Will not know the results of this remedy until tomorrow. There is a ninety-nine percent chance that if something else happens, Tezuka will kill me. Make sure to have another back-up remedy ready._

~~~~~

The next day at school, everyone was thankfully back to normal...to the complete and utter disappointment of all those who had been very, very happy to see Tezuka dressed in tight leather.

However, the love-potion portion of Inui's potion hadn't worn off -- Oishi and Eiji were walking hand in hand through the hallways with their heads in the clouds, Tezuka and Fuji were spending a lot of time together, and Momoshiro and Ryoma -- who had been bitter rivals after the first Juice and completely separated after the second -- were caught kissing at lunch -- by Inui, who was glad to see them together instead of chasing him.

Inui entered the following into his notebook: _Version Two Change-Back Juice of Chaos and Fluffy Bunnies and Etc. 100% effective -- for real, this time. Commence with Plan K._

~~~~~

Inui and Kaido were alone, for one of Kaido's special training sessions that Inui often gave him.

"Ne, Kaido. If you can't do what I ask of you today..." Inui suppressed a particularly evil grin. There was no way Kaido would be able to keep up with the training schedule he had planned out. "...then you have to drink this."

Kaido stared at the orange substance in the glass that Inui was holding up. "What...is it?"

"Inui's Revised Deluxe Edition Limited Time Only Happy Love Juice, Version Two," Inui replied, unable to hold back his grin any longer.

Kaido gulped. Just _what_ was Inui thinking??!!!

~owari~


End file.
